Fifty
my fifty years of sense
*As always - please read in the browser - a work in progress for the first day(s).
The response when asked “how does it feel to be turning fifty?”— “not as old as I imagined it would feel!” I do not feel “growed up” — even with a kid of legal drinking age. I have more aches and pains and I understand now why my mother-in-law was always awake at 5AM. I do not understand how my mother remembers nothing about “the pause” and doesn’t think her scoliosis is estrogen related. I still have not become magically in control of my impulsive and often inquisitive nature — I will text and email directly. I no longer call it impulsive, but intuitive and a means of protecting myself and others. I have not lost the innocence of believing in good. I do trust myself and sometimes now, I can even hold my tongue, as I watch others walk into their next mistake. So, in honor of fifty years, I am making a list of things that come to mind with ease that I have learned or that have learned me or that just seem like they should be shared with others.
Including also a lot of my own images (I know not very Substack) from the 2026 Pisces season — me spending time in nature, nurturing deep breaths with salted air. The highlight of my recent road trip, with the being that drove west with me in 1998, was driving through two rainbows in the Olympic Peninsula — yes, this can be done and is not just an optical illusion. I have now driven through three rainbows, this last time, it was two consecutively on the road to Lake Quinalt. I took it very much as a sign - I was given two, not just one, and nothing blew up, progress.
A friend reminded me, after I sent a picture of the tiny four leaf clover I found walking my dog on the day before my birthday, that I have an uncanny way of being shown the most beautiful and often hard to find moments in nature. I will get stopped by the seventy elk crossing, and caught in any snow storm in places that are overly prepared. I drive through rainbows not just see them and have caught the coast on the one day in April when it hits 85 degrees, also Easter. My St. Patrick’s day luck comes to me often in the weather patterns, like being born in a blizzard in March. Right from the start the goddess was laughing and I keep trying to laugh back.
**These are in no particular order of importance or logical manner — and likely I have repeated many of the same sentiments or left off something extremely relevant — please give me a break, I am now considered older and you should respect your elders (unless they are being people not worthy of respecting).
ADVOCATE FOR YOURSELF and loved ones. No one else will ever truly be your advocate or more importantly be living your experience or watching your kid as closely — do not let that be dismissed.
Talk back, especially if you are female or AFAB. Even to the women and men telling you they are the authority. Women repeat the hierarchy of power for their own gain as well, and most of the time it isn’t winning for us all. We need to continue to challenge the status and quo because women are the under study in life and that won’t change until we have no issue speaking back loudly, even to the consensus camo,1and without a smile.
If they do not call or return your call within the first 24/48 hours, they are not worth your time or interest, this is for most things, not just romance (notice that I didn’t even have to gender the being, we don’t have to).
Do not take a job with a company that you don’t align with the culture or co workers, even if they seem cool. Cool is a perception well curated and often covering lots of dysfunction.
DO NOT TRUST THE INTERNET OR SOCIAL MEDIA and do not compare yourself to others based on their curated meta feed. My instagram was beautiful, my mental health was tanking.
GO. Take the trip, go on the hike, get outside. Do the things in nature that remind you of beauty and how damn tiny we really are in the grand scheme of things.
Do not put your trip on a 29% interest rate credit card, if you can’t afford it, that is not the right way to finance it. I have been helped out with debt (age 27 and 49) by family, twice, and that was my only saving grace. It was also very privileged to have that option, I admit this because it was overwhelming and caused years of stress and is repeated by too many. We need good credit, we do not need to be in debt over designer shoes or pants, there is a fine line here for women with balance. Let’s be clear we are sold the shoes a lot more easily than we are self worth.
SUICIDE IS A PERMANENT SOLUTION TO A TEMPORARY PROBLEM - repeat this if you need to often, I have. Told to me in seventh grade by an English teacher, thank you.
Write it out - anywhere, anyhow. You do not need to share it, just get it out of your head and look at it on the page. Somehow this translates for most - we see the patterns of self loathing a lot easier on the blank page and that often is enough to remember to be kinder, to ourselves and others.
Put your phone down and listen to your kids - work can wait. I messed this up big time and am back tracking now, if that can be done. I would do anything to have prioritized them at thirteen, not a client. Granted I also needed the money and was a single co-parent with no dual income, there were a lot of mistakes and moments I had little control over in the grand scheme. If I could have chosen to be present more, instead of working, I would have chosen a smaller everything. There were years we needed only one open room because lets be clear, even the bathroom was not a place to find yourself alone. We could have done with less, it would have translated to more.
Make your family don’t define it by blood. The court doesn’t let women move home when they divorce, we are bound by law, at least in Oregon, to stay within 60 miles of one another. Single women are not invited to the bbq or the dinner party. My “family” is the beings I have collected over time, mostly other women that have been single and still remain so - I have one friend that truly makes the effort to always mix her worlds, she is remarried. I am friends with my ex and was “consciously uncoupled” long before the term existed; it is not easy, we are not always friendly. My in-laws never called or helped me after the divorce and my blood family lives in Kentucky which is 2300 miles away. In contrast, my step dad still texts my ex about golf and college ball. I am a child of divorce, my wusband is not, it translated.
Ask questions. If I had not asked my neighbors what was happening with their home, I never would have known that another neighbor’s complaint was the driving force in their inability to refinance a predatory loan. I made her uncomfortable for just moments, in turn, I helped save their home so they could die there. https://www.wweek.com/portland/article-22898-the-long-goodbye.html
Help your neighbors, co workers, even the stranger on the side of the road. My acts of kindness have always resulted in more kindness, not danger. My fear has hindered me, not helped.
Feed the homeless and talk to them. They are someones brother, sister, mother, father, or child. Sometimes even the worst looking person just needs to be brought back to the moment, we can lose our breath with ease.
Buy more than one of something if it truly makes you happy. This includes food and clothing items.
To change a duvet cover you simply turn it inside out and roll the duvet with the cover towards the opening and then flip - took me a good forty years to learn this one.
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Enable 3rd party cookies or use another browserDO NOT CUT YOUR OWN BANGS or for that matter dye your hair unless you have professional experience, products, and support. It will always cost three times as much to fix whatever impulsive hair move you made. Do not let others cut your hair under the influence of drugs or alcohol. It takes a long time to grow out the “princess Di” short do.
Wear sunscreen, even on your legs. More women I know are having deep skin cancer removed from their legs (and arms) then anywhere else.
Invest in good face lotion — it goes further than botox and translates better for a lot less over time. I have used Dr. Haushka’s rose cream as my go to since my 20’s and added La Roche Posay2 in my late forties, not soon enough. I am hyper sensitive to most things lotion - if my skin doesn’t have an allergic reaction, the scent or often the texture is intolerable. Finding a facial sunscreen was difficult and I still often will opt for a hat and pants over having to lather it on. I actually get a skin rash from most sunscreens and prefer a line called Beyond Coastal.3
Call or text a friend (or a therapist) not the ex. I still make this mistake - did this week twice, an ex friend and an ex boyfriend. I know why, I am feeling vulnerable turning fifty — It’s only been 48 hours since my last misstep and I would still take it back, if I could.
Print your pictures - and share them with others, especially your kids. Reminded just this week by one of my sons friends how special a good photo really is — I was testing a new camera and he noted how few pictures he and his own family have. He then volunteered to be photographed, so he could have a good picture of himself.
Write letters, emails are ok, but the letter and the stamp are special. The being on the other end, will feel that care. Send postcards, let the ones you love know you are thinking of them even when you are off on an adventure. Everyone loves mail that is not a bill and you will be surprised what details you share — reading your past letters to others is also a great gift, if ever given that opportunity.
Volunteer or work in a nursing home, oncology ward, or emergency room. Place yourself in the places where you see the people needing care and the beings caring for them. Notice and identify a good patient and then ask yourself what makes them good. Notice and identify a bad nurse or doctor and ask yourself the same questions. Look at race, look at educational ranking, look at socio-economics, they are all factoring into “care”, the how someone is caring for themselves or more importantly is cared for in “the end”.
Kind is different than nice, be kind. Nice works often, but kind comes from deeper, it is genuine.
Breath into your belly. Breath out just as deeply. The out breath is the one that actually reduces the anxiety.
Learn how to swim, or surf, or kite surf; but find water and jump in. Immersion is still the one thing that will always bring me back.
Middle aged Marching Trust the bartender, chef, even the nail lady. Most of the time they do have your best interest in mind, if you at least articulate your expectations or intolerances. There are moments when it doesn’t work out - but for the most part the being knows their space and is aiming to please. You also should know when its not for you — not everyone is omakase, know this about yourself don’t blame others. One way to test a friendship or relationship is to speak up and find out quickly if someone will honor your comfort needs. Maybe not when hangry, hunger and anger are quickly found together.
Dance. I used to get so embarrassed by my mother dancing in the department store when a good song came on — now I lead the dance party. Dance in your car, dance in the living room, dance on the beach and on rooftops and even the tops of cars. Dance anywhere and anytime the sad is overwhelming, just turn it up and dance it out. You do not need to be a good dancer, especially when dancing alone. Anyone, any age, can dance.
Do not strain to pee, really. You don’t need to push it out, it should fall right out with your out breath. And, as discussed, that out breath will be letting go of more then just urine.
Get a pet. Responsibility for others is a good responsibility to learn. Maybe don’t get a dog in college with ten roommates that think blowing weed at a dog is a good thing (I did not do this but someone I knew did. I still wonder what happened to that beagle).
Do not change your name when you marry unless both partners are adopting the name. This is a ridiculous and outdated practice that doesn’t honor ancestry or declare more love. It is hopefully a dying patriarchal and christian practice, especially with divorce rates and red tape bureaucracy.
Do not be afraid of a hysterectomy. If you are suffering from anything that would allow you more comfort and freedom, please do not fear the removal of organs that grow things that men do not want to dedicate research and monies to figure out. If a man grew a cyst the size of a grapefruit in his penis, there would be wings of hospitals named after the beings that dedicated their knowledge to eradication. We meanwhile can connect our uterus to the intestinal wall - we literally are growing thick skin as we smile through the pain.
Admit when you are wrong, as easily as you will fight to defend your truth. There are many truths to the same story, always in so many ways, and you have no idea about another beings way of arriving in that moment.
Know that silence is a weapon and a tool of coercion and power just as much as it is a tool, use it wisely and not with the intention to harm.
Recognize your privilege, use it. Know that you have bias — WE ALL DO.
Do not make it about you. I don’t even want to expand on this sentiment because it should translate everywhere and often. Most likely it has NOTHING to do with you.
Trust your instincts and listen to the odd little voice that says “grab your computer bag tonight from the car”.
Do not rely on a scale or a size - as someone that makes clothes there is such a tiny little line between a size, buy based on fit and comfort. As I have aged I have no interest in looking good and feeling shitty. Muscle and curve have weight to them. It helps to know a basic idea of size for internet shopping, but even then, read the reviews and buy based on those, not your need for a size 6 or a 31 inch waist.
Invest in good shoes. It will save your feet. I do not mean Manolo’s — I am talking Dansko, Hoka, Birkenstock, arch support.
THE PAUSE is responsible for most likely 90% of all your mental and health issues anytime after age 37 — even if you started your period late. It contributes to plantar fasciitis, bursitis, frozen shoulder, vertigo, RAGE, sweat, sleep, intolerance of all kind, is the loss of hormones
Endometriosis grows anywhere and everything and not everyone tolerates progesterone, especially if neurodivergent.
You do not need a man (or woman) - you can be the man, you can buy yourself flowers. You can learn to unclog the disposal or the dishwasher hose with a “you tube’ tutorial. Everyone has their limit but we limit ourselves the most, often.
You do need community — friends and beings (in person and online) that will dialogue life along with you.
You do not really need another drink. My mom used to say “nothing good is open after midnight but someone’s legs”. And though that statement is a little limiting, it has a lot of merit, unless you’re looking for stars or eclipsed moons. Alcohol was and still is a part of my life, it is everywhere. America, in general, has a bad relationship with booze. It should not become the source of your release; but that line, is not one, that all too many have little control over, unfortunately.
Weed and shrooms, I’m still working on my own relationship here and so are my kids and siblings (that neurodivergence and quieting of the mind, is real). But, I feel like both have a really misunderstood value particularly among the western commercialized pharmaceutical standards of “practiced” medicine.
Eye contact is overrated and misconstrued, especially as a woman that is often hit on.
Put a man or woman in their place if they hit on you and it was not welcome. Especially old men, feel free to describe the word consent as you remove their hand from your thigh. No, you are not a good man when hitting on a woman whom your children went to preschool with, even if you walk on the outside. It should not be normalized when the age divide means you were raising a ‘me’, especially when I can’t choose to abort your old sperm in 20 states.
Make the first blatant move. This can be in many things from letting a being know you find them intriguing, to the olive branch after a fight. DO not be afraid of doing more, be more afraid of the “not doing” and therefore not knowing.
Menopause is technically one day — the hellscape we call “the pause” is most likely perimenopause, an often decade long hormonal transition that can hit well before even age 40. Talk to your friends and family — and listen to the stories of how many of us really did suffer and are suffering large changes, including and not limited to the intolerance for being ignored.
Question authority and anyone that isn’t willing to look at things from a different perspective, especially yourself.
Forgive yourself.
Forgive others, recognize that most conflict has two sides and many truths.
Say no. Do not hesitate to protect yourself and your time.
Burn bridges if you need to, it is true, things do come back around when meant to.
Yes, karma is real.
Buy it old. Look online for the things you are coveting first and see if someone is discarding it already. You will be surprised. Try not to go big box first, if you can get the same thing from your local being, a pawn shop, ebay, poshmark, depop, the list these days is so long. With that said, I will splurge, once every few years on a really good pair of denim - these days its always has lots of stretch!
Do not make yourself house poor, it is a great investment until you are losing money because you were not advised well when you put that 3-12% down.
Movement and meditation are good for you - it is about the breath, always.
Trust your intuition, your body knows long before you do.
Make so many mistakes. Make so many beautiful mistakes.
***Please, I’d love if folks would add their own life advice/hacks — I know I have missed hundreds of thousands of things, even from my own list of things to know by now!
****SHOUT OUT - Looking for folks for my art/publication and portrait series (not just Substack we hope) — “you don’t look autistic!”
Find me in DMs so I can find you with My Mayima in 2026 and early 2027. Help me make a plan, ha.
Older work with rainbows mentioned - it was and still remains one of the most mysterious things I have experienced, now three times!
“consensus camo” a phrase taken and often used from Autistic Ang — which for me so beautifully describes our herd mentality, even when following bad people or ideology (MAGA/Mormon wives/botox).
https://www.laroche-posay.us/our-products/face/face-moisturizer/toleriane-double-repair-facial-moisturizer-with-spf-tolerianedoublerepairuvspf30.html or for extra moisture https://www.laroche-posay.us/our-products/body/body-lotion/cicaplast-balm-b5-uv-spf-50-3606000621992.html when I can find it, both sell out often.
Disclaimer - my ex husband was a partial owner and the package designer for Beyond Coastal — that is not why I like it, I like it because it is natural and works without giving me a rash even on my sensitive chest and breast areas.
Happy birthday - thanks for the wisdom!
Happy 50s.. nice photographs, I enjoyed the trip.